…Start with YOURSELF

Today I have a guest post from my amazing husband Craig.  It is brave of him to share his journey with depression with the world, and I am so proud of him and his desire to positively impact the lives of others around him.

I am a 36 year old Daddy to 4 beautiful little people…who struggles with mental health in the form of depression. As is often the case from the outside looking in my life is amazing. I have the perfect family, gorgeous wife and most things a guy could want. But as a friend said recently “everyone’s highlight reel always looks amazing”. Looking back I think I have always suffered from depression, but in varying degrees. Acceptance was the first step to moving forward.  Male depression is a hot topic at the moment and with the recent news of Robin Williams passing and the media frenzy that followed I have been compelled to pen my thoughts.

It is important to say this is only what I know and feel of my own experiences with mental health issues. I am not an expert, and nor am I offering any form of advice.  I am simply sharing my story in the hope that it helps someone.  If you, or someone you know, has any concerns about mental health then please talk to your health practitioner.

Back to Robin Williams – what frustrates me at time like this is the media’s relentless need to point the finger and blame something in one’s life as the reason.  The need to find the reason – in this case and many others – resulting in pulling him backwards through the mud. In my view there is no need for a reason – because there is no logic with depression. We all have triggers, yes. But those triggers are early on in the cycle and before you realise it is too late.  The triggers aren’t the reason.

For me these triggers are just that – triggers that can start me down a road that I never want to go down again. If I am not looking after myself and am already on my way down the road then I can’t cope with added stresses or events like I would normally. This is where the irrational thought (and sometimes no thought) behaviour can spiral out of control and really take hold.

I have discovered over time that my triggers are sugar, lack of exercise or over-exercise, poor sleep, alcohol and not talking through issues with my wife (internalising everything and trying to solve it on my own because that what guys do – big mistake!)

If I am keeping on top of my triggers then everything is a breeze, but as we all do I get lazy. When I’m in the early stages I’m a nightmare to live with. I’m snappy, moody and treat my wife and kids in a way that is really not ok. My frustration levels go through the roof so the little things affect me like they are majors.

I have had 4 serious time of my life when I was in a dark place. Two of these occasions I contemplated not coming home. It is hard looking back now as it looks so irrational and ridiculous, but at the time – for moments – it felt like the only option. Thankfully it wasn’t, I was one of the lucky ones. There was an overwhelming feeling of failure and the people around me deserving better. It is often said that it is a selfish decision – but that is the rational thinking of a healthy person. At the time it was coming from a feeling of complete isolation…a feeling of ‘they would be so much better off without me, look at me, I am a mess. I am going to have such a negative impact on my kids. They should have more than I can offer’.

It is hard on my wife who feels she always needs to be positive to help me stay positive as well. There is a huge amount of guilt from my loved ones because they didn’t see it coming or thinking it was their fault or they could have done more. Or trying to take blame to have a reason why.

(note from me – Bronwyn – the loving wife: unconditionally loving Craig is easy – he is the centre of my universe.  It is very easy to feel it must be my fault – that I mustn’t have given him enough reason to want to be with us.  I have felt guilty that I hadn’t seen how bad things had got for him, and felt that I should have been able to prevent it getting to that point.  But all those thoughts are about me, and it is not about me.  To truly support Craig it can’t be about me.  It physically hurts me when I think about how he must have felt, to consider that taking his life would somehow be easier on us than being in our lives.  I have learnt to just be with him.  I tend to encourage him to get back on track when he is not keeping on top of minimising his triggers, or to seek help when I can see things spiralling out of control.  But I have also learnt that it is not all my responsibility – and by stepping back and allowing Craig to become more responsible for himself is a more empowering option for him).

For me, the truth is it is about me and where I am at. The support I have got from my wife has been amazing and family life is great, but I still suffer from depression and it is not because of something she has or hasn’t done. I need the support of those that mean the most to me, I couldn’t cope as well as I do without them. However, I need to be the one the most focused on being well.

Having unconditional support is vital in pulling me out, as well as paying attention to my triggers. Getting regular gentle exercise, eating well, getting enough sleep, and practising mindfulness and seeing positives every day are a huge step to staying well for me. Talking – to my wife or to a psychologist – is also important…even though it doesn’t come as naturally to us blokes.  I have also had regular treatment from an amazing practitioner of Five Element Acupuncture.  This has been fantastic for me. It has helped pull me out of a deep hole and keep me level for a while now. It has had such an impact that our whole family have moved to the other side of the world so I can train at the best place I can to become an Acupuncturist myself. I believe I am going to be able to help others that are going through similar to what I have been through.

This has been very hard and emotionally draining to write and as you can imagine even harder for my wife to read. As always is the case there is so much more I can say but will leave it for now. As I have said above this is purely my experience with mental health. Please take this in the good faith and in the spirit of why it has been penned. If it helps anyone, just one person then it has been worth it.

Please note that no statements are intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.  If you are someone you know is suffering from depression, please seek advice from your medical practitioner.